welcome- to my quarter life crisis

january birthdays

2012-01-13T18:17:00.003-05:00

I celebrated my 28th birthday a little over a week ago. Since then, I've noticed that Facebook notifies me practically every day that one or more of my friends was born. There were some fantastic people born this month! Rate the significance of these individuals for yourself:

Jan 1: Betsy Ross, Paul Revere, J. Edgar Hoover
Jan 2: Taye Diggs
Jan 3: Eli Manning, J.R. Tolkien
Jan 5: Me, Bradley Cooper

2 KK birthdays this month!

Jan 6: Joan of Arc
Jan 7: Paul Revere, Nicolas Cage
Jan 8: David Bowie, Elvis
Jan 9: Kate Middleton, Richard Nixon
Jan 10: Pat Benatar, George Foreman
Jan 11: Mary J. Blige
Jan 12: Jack London
Jan 13: Orlando Bloom, Patrick Dempsey
Jan 14: LL Cool J
Jan 15: MLK
Jan 16: Albert Pujols, Aaliyah, Kate Moss
Jan 17: Dwayne Wade, Michelle Obama, Jim Carrey, Muhammad Ali, James Earl Jones, Betty White, Ben Franklin, Vidal Sassoon
Jan 18: Kevin Costner, Cary Grant
Jan 19: Shawn Johnson, Jodie Sweetin, Paula Deen, Dolly Parton, Edgar Allen Poe
Jan 20: Buzz Aldrin
Jan 21: Hakeem Olajuwon, Geena Davis, Jack Nicklaus, Stonewall Jackson
Jan 23: Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, John Hancock
Jan 24: Tatyana Ali, John Belushi, Neil Diamond
Jan 25: Alicia Keys
Jan 26: Wayne Gretzky, Ellen DeGeneres
Jan 27: Lewis Carroll, Mozart
Jan 28: Elijah Wood, Sarah McLachlan, Susan Sontag, Jackson Pollock
Jan 30: Christian Bale, Phil Collins, FDR
Jan 31: Justin Timberlake, Jackie Robinson

There- now you have somewhat-randomly selected famous people to consider for the next 18 days. Instead of being sad you have to work two Mondays from now, walk into the office and announce, "Hey y'all, it's Kelly Kapowski's B-DAY!"

typical as a 5th grader at my school

2012-01-12T17:23:00.004-05:00

Today in 5th grade we did a lesson on similes. Every student was handed a large calendar picture for inspiration. Imagine puppies, waterfalls, flowers, and African sunsets covering the desktops. In addition to an image, they received a laptop to post on a message board of sorts. The students were then told to write a simile, which would be projected on the board to discuss. We practiced the formula before they began, "The (noun) is as (adjective) as a (noun.)" Simple enough, right?

Pause. Our assistant principal is leading this lesson, so you'd think they'd really want to impress him.

As soon as I see the first three posts go up, I walk (as fast as a cheetah) to the back of the room to grab a pen and some scratch paper. I start furiously jotting down their creations before the AP can scroll them off the screen. These are some of my favorites:

1) the sky is as pink as pink lemons [Lemonade? I'll give them the benefit of the doubt.]
2) the puppy has gloreus eyes. [Not a simile, but nice try on the big descriptor there.]
3) the flower is as nice as some Jordans [YES! Now we're getting it!]
4) the birds are feeding them like steak on a trashcan lid. [No clue what this was a picture of, but, sure, because you are on the autism spectrum!]
5) I smile like paradise. [That's not... whatever.]

AND my favorite:

6) everybody hates me like a hoebo

Nice.

Welp, strike off another day of teaching in the east end.

a team by any other name

2011-12-14T15:40:00.001-05:00

It's dodgeball season again! As a captain, I'm responsible for naming the team... and this year I kind of forgot about it. Well, not "kind of." I totally forgot about it until I was getting out of my car to sign papers. I consulted a couple people via phone, but they couldn't come up with anything on the spot. It's tricky coming up with a non-dirty, original dodgeball name. Eventually, I came up with "Showcase Throwdown." There are over 50 teams in our division, but here are a few competitors:

-Sexy and We Throw It
-Blatant Cheaters
-Shortbus
-Red Balls and Vodka
-Saved by the Balls
-Your Mom
-Mr. Dodgers Neighborhood
-We're Still Aiming for the Fat One
-#occupyballstreet
-Don't Stop Balleving
-Wii Not Fit
-I'd Hit It
-Gym, Tan, Dodge

cnn

2011-12-12T15:06:00.006-05:00

Every year my mother calls to remind me to watch CNN Heroes: Everyday People Changing the World. CNN honors 10 people who have started organizations to help people in need all over the world by presenting their inspirational stories. I recommend checking them out here, where you can donate if you feel compelled (or just absorb some hope and love):
http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/cnn.heroes/index.html

My favorite hero was Miss Diane, who started a program called "Kids Off the Block" to reach out to children and teens in a rough Chicago neighborhood. She motivates youth to get off the street and equips them with the support and encouragement they need to believe they can become something other than a gang member or a drug dealer. I teared up within seconds of hearing about the 140 Chicago students who have been shot since this September school year. It reminds me of my trips to Newark, NJ and even the kids that I see every day in the school where I work. It reminds me to see the big picture and live purposefully.

How does this fit the tone of your blog, you ask? Well, about 5 heroes in, my roommate freeze frames the TV and starts dying laughing. I look up through watery eyes and what do I see:

A pic of Anderson Cooper as his own...

We can only be serious for so long.

run over by a reindeer

2011-12-05T16:12:00.001-05:00

Just received this text: "If I put antlers and a red nose on my car, will you still be my friend?"

Sigh. The answer is yes. Yes, I will still be your friend, Anonymous, whose car I will reluctantly pass in the parking lot for the next two weeks. I'd still love you, because love is blind, but I do not understand your fervor for holiday tackiness.

The friend later text back and said she wasn't serious. The boundaries of our friendship were certainly tested, but I'm a bit relieved. Still... the fact that I believed this friend was capable of committing the act says something about their taste level. XOXO.

Would you like to see my holiday decorations? I've put them all out on my mantle for you!

These were all gifts, and, no, that is not my dog in the frame.

I'm not a Scrooge. I love celebrating the true meaning of Christmas! I delight in people showing extra kindness! I cherish family and friends spending time together! BUT- there's a line. Don't cross it.

Unforgivable.

girl talk!

2011-09-12T20:36:00.004-04:00

It's stressful being a teacher. I've always been able to explain myself with two words: art major. What do you mean you totaled a tip earlier and that's your math cap for the day? Much like my students, I need breaks from a work routine that doesn't generally appeal to my strengths.

protects from sweat & rocks a beat

...which brings me to The RVA Music Fest! Girl Talk was last night and it was just the burst of my old lifestyle that I needed. Made me think I should revisit those tattoo ideas I dismissed "because I'm a teacher now." Abandoned tats were the only thing I regretted about hanging out with the hipsters again. OH- No wait. I saw a guy walking with a beer in each hand projectile vomit twice and just keep walking. That I regret seeing. We immediately redeemed the situation by moving far enough away not to smell it, but close enough to warn people at the last second that they were about to step in it and watch their reactions. I was laughing so hard I cried as the spectators around us all got in on the game. Priceless!


happiness

The energy was incredible. Imagine beach balls painted like eyeballs, balloons, confetti, and ribbons of toilet paper shot out of a leaf blower flying over your head. Every single person in the crowd is dancing with abandon and not caring that we've all sweat completely through our clothes. You can feel the base pulse through your chest and the permanent hearing loss in your ears. For an hour and a half I was blissfully happy with a clear to-do list. My only brief concern was that the girlfriend of the girl that just pinned a flashing light to my tank top might be giving me the eye. What's important here is that we all love GIRL TALK.

(I miss the music/art scene so bad.)

super duper

2011-08-30T23:32:00.000-04:00

I'm sure at some point in your life you've been asked:

"If you could have any super power, what would you choose?"

Two words: teleportation, duh. At least that's what I would have said in the past. Now that I'm a little jaded and the first day back to work is finally here... I have a new answer. I want the ability to turn my brain off and sleep. That would be SUPER.

family flood

2011-08-26T14:16:00.023-04:00

I often describe my family overall as realistic, practical, logical, and sometimes skeptical... acknowledging that these characteristics can be strengths or weaknesses depending on the scenario. Two thirds of my immediate family live in Norfolk, which is getting a lot of buzz as the hurricane approaches. They're taking precautions, like any wise person should, but they don't seem particularly concerned. Both sisters have a mandatory evacuation of their homes due to the extreme flooding zone, so they will be staying at my parents' house, where only the downstairs room will get flooded (probably). In addition, my brand new brother-in-law will be thrown into the eye of the storm. I hope he can carry the Richmond sisters' weight in Cranium. I imagine each person mentally and physically prepared, a stack of books and a flashlight within reach for when the electricity goes out, along with nonperishables to survive for at least a week or 4. (Note: there's a legitimate negative against Kindles/Nooks, folks- and the natural disaster power outage point goes to paperback!) I remember once when I was younger preparing for a hurricane by filling up bathtubs and the washing machine with water- which was strange, fun, and easily rationalized as smart "just in case." The more I think about it, one of those should probably contain Diet Coke. And I have some questions about the cleanliness of the aforementioned tubs. I also remember rewriting the words to "Flagpole Sitta" to make fun of my little sister who was terrified of everything at the time. "...paranoia, paranoia a hurricane is comin to get me..." Oh man. I may not have been a good sister, but I was a great parody songwriter, even from a young age.

You see, the Kings would not flee for a hurricane. No, sir. They would not could not on a boat, they would not could not with a float. Although, I do give my permission to paddle the streets on my surfboard for scorning the storm in Lieutenant Dan fashion. Might be amusing. Take a video for me, Meme.

I wish them the best, but am sure they'll be fine. If anything, a looming hurricane makes the Kings play board games harder. The drama can only be heightened by candlelight.

oh, to be a teacher.

2011-08-24T16:57:00.001-04:00

I'm almost done unpacking my boxes at the new school. The room is a wreck, but hopefully it'll come together a little more each day. When I was going through my files, I found a funny list of antiquated rules for teachers. Here are a few:

1892
-Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to the individual taste of the pupils.
-Each morning the teacher will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of coal for the day's session.
-Male teachers may take one evening each week for courting purposes or two evenings a week if they attend church regularly.
-Any teacher who smokes, uses liquor in any form, frequents pool or public halls, or gets shaved in a barber shop will give good reason to suspect his worth, intention, integrity, and honesty.

1915
-You must be home between the hours of 8pm and 6am, unless attending a school function.
-You may not dress in bright colors and your dresses may not be any shorter than 2 inches above the ankles.
-You may not ride in carriages or automobiles with any man except your father or brother.
-You will not marry during the term of your contract.

Literally- old school.

shaking things up

2011-08-23T15:56:00.010-04:00

I looked out the window for a jackhammer in my side yard, but there was no heavy machinery to be found. After noticing the whole house continued to shake for 10 more seconds I walked out my front door in confusion- as did the entire neighborhood. If my response were a recipe it'd be equal parts shock and laughter, with a pinch of social media. I'm sure the West Coast is laughing more. When everyone is updating Facebook instead of taking cover, it becomes a bit hilarious. Then, of course, there was the aftershock of cell phone vibrations for the next hour and a half. MSNBC is taking calls from people across various states, but the only major disruption I've seen outside of evacuating the White House is a photo of a plastic lawn chair that toppled over in Washington DC.

I'm glad that no one was hurt, just mildly disrupted from their everyday life. It seems that people in the surrounding areas are less concerned about Armageddon and more jealous that they didn't feel it. I think my little sister will be standing in place for the next couple hours, hoping to feel aftershock tremors since she missed out earlier. Wait- What was that? False alarm. My stomach growled. Regardless, I think it's good for us to be a little shaken up! Hopefully it makes us realize that we are not as in control as we sometimes feel. We have all this technology cushioning our convenient little lives, but a false sense of security becomes evident when cell phone service gets rattled... along with our loved ones. Rock on East Coast, and keep it real!

card #4: for your bff!

2011-05-16T18:35:00.003-04:00

Front: We are going to be best friends forever...
Inside: Just think of me as your Herpes. You can't get rid of that shit.

card #3: 21 series

2011-05-16T18:35:00.001-04:00

This card goes in the same series as the previous post:

Front: Happy 21st! Don't end up in jail tonight.
Inside: But if you do, try to get an interview on one of those prison shows! I watch them all.

card #2: happy 21st

2011-05-16T18:33:00.002-04:00

This would be in the Birthday/Reality TV card genre...

Front: Happy 21st!
Inside: It's too late for you to be 16 & Pregnant. The good news is- I think you'd make a damn good housewife of NY one day. Dream big on your birthday!

new hobby

2011-05-08T19:30:00.004-04:00

Fans, I haven't been writing because the man's got me down. (*the man = school work) This hiatus hasn't stopped the gears from turning. I think I'm going to put some brainpower into writing greeting cards for a while. Why not? It's an entertaining process to think about.

Card #1
Front: Normally people ask, "Were you born yesterday?" because you're naive.
Inside: In this case, I just missed the notification on Facebook. Happy Belated Birthday, stupid.

This card is for calling someone stupid the day after their birthday. What do you think? Consider this copyrighted, by the way.

picture day

2011-04-28T16:33:00.004-04:00

If you're gonna get a shot of my class on picture day, you better bring your "A" game, camera man. (A for Awetastic- which is awesome and fantastic combined.) Yes, we'll sit, but obviously not all at once. This one is not going to smile, despite your commands to repeat "PICKLES" on three. Changing it to "PUPPIES" doesn't boost the probability of a positive outcome. In fact, the mention of puppies might cue us to then ask what your dog's name is and delve into a whole one-sided conversation about pets of our own. If you stick out your tongue, instead of smiling, we might mimic that. Snap your fingers, do a little dance, and before you get carried away, you might want to save the flash for the "good" ones, because each exposure to bright light makes us increasingly irritable. If over 50% of the group is looking at the camera, then you've done your job to the best of your ability. Not even Tyra Banks herself could help us work it out. That's a wrap!

postparadise

2011-04-23T10:53:00.002-04:00

Postparadise Depression

Symptoms commonly appear 1-12 hours after returning from an all-inclusive resort. One may experience sadness while paying for food, unpacking, or even making the bed. Other symptoms include, but are not limited to: low levels of energy, changes in appetite, tanlines, daydreaming followed by sighing, and negative thoughts about returning to work. Treatment: Responding to jealous comments or looking at pictures slightly eases the transition period in some cases. Postparadise depression, though pervasive in nature, subsides in most people while reacquainting with daily routines over a period of several days.

If you know of anyone experiencing Postparadise Depression, invite them over for dinner immediately.

under da sea

2011-04-14T15:46:00.002-04:00

Recess conversation with my star student:

"My number one not favorite fish is the puffer fish. They have spikes and they blow up."
"Are you scared they're gonna squirt water at you?"
"Um, hellooooo. They have spikes. They look scary. But I am already brave."
"Yes, you are brave."
"My number two not favorite fish is the seahorse."
"Oh really? I think they look cute."
"Well, yeah, I think they're fine. I meant my number three not favorite fish is the Octopus. They can blend in with things and shoot ink at you."
"An Octopus isn't really a fish. It does live in the ocean, though."
"Um. What type of thing is your big fear?"
"Oh, thanks for asking... I'm afraid of spiders I guess."
"Yeah. My other big fear is a biggest animal in the sea."
"Is it a blue whale?"
"Well, no. I'll give you a hint. It starts with a "sh" sound and it's a shark and it has big fins."
"Yikes! Sharks are scary. But you'll never be in the water with a shark. You don't have to be afraid."
"And my parents won't have a son anymore?!"
"A shark won't get you. Even at the beach. I promise. I surf far out in the water and I've never seen one."
"Well, you better be careful."
"Ok, thanks bud. I will."

bless me

2011-04-12T19:28:00.002-04:00

80% of my first name is in the word "allergies." Coinc-achoo!? I think snot.

If you think that was nerdy, allow me to take it a step further. I just discovered a medical disorder called "ACHOO Syndrome." The acronym seems to be a stretch for Autosomal Dominant Compelling Helioophthalmic Outburst Syndrome... but then again, no one asked me. This disorder affects 18-35% of the population. You might have it. If you also suffer from Hypochondriasis, there's a 100% chance you have it.

Signing off,
Dorkatron 3000

grapes!

2011-04-11T19:32:00.002-04:00

My roommate and I had a rough go at Wheel of Fortune tonight...

K: "They just beat us at the puzzle. They never beat us!"
P: "Sometimes they do."
K: "No, they don't! Like, once every three episodes they solve a puzzle before us."
P: "I'm off my game tonight."
K: "Ugh. Category is 'Food and Drink.' It's gonna be "A BUNCH OF _____S. Quick, what comes in a bunch?"

Contestant solves, "A BUNCH OF GRAPES."

K: "AH! Come on! I knew it was a bunch of something! You were supposed to get that clue! If this were charades, we would have just lost that too."
P: "Even I can draw a bunch of grapes. Wait, that's Pictionary."

ice-t

2011-04-10T21:59:00.001-04:00

I could watch Law & Order SVU for hours on end, and I do- often- because it's always on! I'm talking themed marathons every weekend, people! No matter how many episodes I watch, it seems like there are infinitely more that I have yet to see.

I especially enjoy the episodes featuring Ice-T as "Fin Tutuola," the dry-humored badass with street cred. He's so badass, he just kicked down a door on TV and woke my dog up. After Barkley quieted down from his distress, I heard Ice-T say, "You have a right to an attorney. And if you throw up in my car, I'll kill ya." He's a good reason this show has been on the air since 1999.

waiting

2011-03-31T18:29:00.001-04:00

Most of my students can manage themselves in the bathroom. We still have to check on them. Sometimes a difficult belt or snap gives them a hard time. Sometimes they get mesmerized by the flush. Sometimes they freak out because the light buzzes in a frequency only they notice. Every now and then, they might stare at a speck on one of the tiles for several minutes. You get my drift.

On Wednesday, one of my little guys had been in the bathroom for an extended period of time after the flush was heard, so we decided it was time to check on him. We found him sitting, not on the toilet, but in a chair we use as a step stool to get another guy up to the changing table. When asked what he was doing, he replied, "Waiting." "I see that. What are you waiting for?" He nonchalantly answered, "Friday."

obama > gaddafi

2011-03-28T22:28:00.002-04:00

My youngest sister is seriously into politics. When you can count on her for a brief summary of what's going on in the world, who needs Diane Sawyer?

KK to MK: I put the president on the TV... well, he popped up after Wheel of Fortune... and after about five minutes all I could hear was, "wah wah wah wah" over my Facebook scanning. What'd he say, "Gaddafi is bad, I am good." ?? (Something about change? I remember hearing the words "North Star.")

MK to KK: Well you should have listened to it. It was pretty good! But more like "Gaddafi is bad and people who want freedom are good." But yeah, honestly, I was slightly disappointed that I couldn't watch Jeopardy. I'm a terrible American.

There you have it. We want freedom... to watch game shows. The Kings reporting for World News- back to you, Diane.

someone's gone postal

2011-03-28T18:13:00.007-04:00

Nothing cuts the tension of the post office line at 4:40 like that guy cutting in line.

One of my pet peeves in life is when someone acts like they are more important than everyone else. You know, the person on the interstate that conveniently zooms down the shoulder past a mile of cars that have been patiently creeping along because we're merging. It irks me. I digress.

I'd been standing in the line for about ten minutes with my first-class envelope, deleting my text inbox to pass the time, when this guy comes from the lobby and walks up to the front of the line. He casually taps the girl in front of me on her shoulder and gingerly asks, "Excuse me, do you mind if I step in front of you, considering I have no business, just a couple of letters to hand her?" She obliged. I noticed the stares of the third, fourth, fifth, sixth, and seventh person in line behind me.

"I think you can drop those in the mail slot over there if they're ready to go." (I speak for all of us.)
"Yeah, I would- but these are sealed with wax, so they need to be handled."
"Ah. Just trying to save you the extra effort. You don't see wax seals much these days."
"I don't mail my bills with them, just my personal letters."
"Ha. Gotcha." (Fake laugh.)
"Last time I did that they were all smudged en route. It was a mess."
"Mmm. Yeah." (Seriously, just go, buddy.)
"NEXT!"

It really wasn't a big deal in the grand scheme of my day- just funny. I wouldn't have done it, but a little inconvenience never killed anyone. Maybe he had somewhere really important to be! For all I know he could have gotten a call outside that his wife was going into labor. Or maybe he had the DeLoreon waiting to take him back to the Bronze Age.

The glare of the female postal worker let him know what she thought about his wax seals. Her eyes said, "Oh, I'll handle it, honey. Next time, save your privilege for the end of the line like everyone else."

black & gold black & gold black & gold black & gold

2011-03-23T16:51:00.001-04:00

It was only a matter of time before someone did it... black & gold

I'm gonna go ahead and say that these lyricists aren't Visual Arts majors based on the video aspect of this project. Nonetheless, "we diverse from da ghetto to burbs, yet we all VCU and we reppin- ya heard?"

Say somethin!

sweet sixteen

2011-03-20T22:38:00.005-04:00

Although it's not my alma mater, and I didn't attend any basketball games this season, I will absolutely claim Ram status tonight along with most of the city!

Yes, Cinderella is wearing black and gold this year.
Yes, tomorrow I will encourage my student who occasionally chants "black and yellow black and yellow" to let it ring.
And, yes, I think it's officially time to purchase a t-shirt from my grad school.
More like Purdon't! (Ok, that might be taking it too far.)

Congratulations on your first ever Sweet 16, boys. Proud of you!

statistics show...

2011-03-16T17:55:00.005-04:00

I recently discovered that this website somewhat tracks who views my blog. It doesn't denote who, specifically, is viewing my page (relax, stalker), but it does give me some other interesting facts. It keeps a running total of page visits, which is nice because I now know that even if no one comments, someone has viewed my banter. The statistics show that my "traffic sources" include 25 views from India. Also, Finland is second in views after the United States. Good to know! It also tells me where websurfers find my link. (It's almost always through Facebook or a friend's blog.) Regardless, thanks for reading! Or at least clicking on the page...

My most amusing finding was that one lucky person Googled "am l exhibiting symptoms of a quarter life crisis?" and ended up here. My response to this person is, "I don't have the credentials to confirm or deny, but welcome."

ga$

2011-03-16T17:15:00.002-04:00

Call me a compulsive gas pumper, but I find peace in totals ending in 0 or 5. My ritual has gone on for over 10 years now. Yeah, I'll stand by as the automatic trigger holds, but if I don't like the number I see when it releases, I'm gonna take it upon myself to get the job done right. With 2-3 clicks $29.96 becomes a comforting $30.00! Only, now that gas prices have soared, I'm going to have to let go of this obsession.

$38.71
Click.
$39.26
"Oh, come on!"

I shake an angry fist at you, gas prices.

strange news

2011-03-08T19:47:00.005-05:00

I looked at a local news website tonight to find a story about one of our school parents, then got distracted by a header at the bottom of the page:

Strange News
HAZARD, Kentucky - A man charged with stealing an ambulance says he just needed a ride home. 26-year-old Shane Hale told the detective he was going to call the ambulance service the next day and report where the vehicle was. Hale was jailed on drunken driving and other charges.

What we have here is a classic taxi/ambulance mix-up. If you're surprised, you clearly don't DVR "Police Women of Cincinnati" on TLC like my roommate & I do. Stupidity doesn't surprise me anymore. The name of the town just makes the story better.

another day, another dolphin dollar

2011-03-07T19:27:00.001-05:00

Today one of my students walked in the front door of the school and abruptly stopped on the inside door mat. He let out a melancholy sigh.

"What's wrong, bud? Tell me while we walk to class so you don't get run over."
"I can't."
"Why not?"
He faintheartedly points to his left and murmurs, "Same old bench." (Points down) "Same old floor." (Points to the right) "Same old hall." (Extra loud sigh of grief) "I just can't do it anymore."
(Trying to console without smiling) "I know exactly how you feel, but we're gonna make it through Monday. I promise."

treadmill

2011-03-06T14:57:00.005-05:00

When I go to the gym, I walk/run on an inclined treadmill for the first 40 minutes. The machine keeps track of my caloric count, which I appreciate because I'm tired of taking data when I leave work. In order to get an accurate reading of calories burned you have to enter your age and weight. So, I click the button to enter my stats... and where does the weight setting start?

84 lbs.

The thought going through my mind as I jam my finger on the up arrow: Where's the child that worked out before me? I didn't know eight-year-olds could join Gold's Gym.

have a nice day

2011-02-27T13:30:00.000-05:00

After finishing brunch, I walked up to the counter to pay. An older woman took my credit card and proceeded to ring me up. It was then that I noticed a sign on the wall. I read it aloud to my friends standing beside me: "'I'm having a nice day- don't screw it up.' That's funny. I need a sign like that for my classroom."

The cashier handed me my card, looked me dead in the eyes, and replied, "Doesn't do a bit of good, honey."

a little too honest abe

2011-02-24T15:53:00.000-05:00

Today my complexion was not the greatest. As soon as one of my students walked off the bus, he looked at me said, "Um... did someone punch your face?" Then he walked away. Freakin kids, man. Sometimes they kill me.

t-shirts you probably don't own

2011-02-21T17:58:00.007-05:00

Do you ever pay any attention to the Facebook ads on the right side of the screen? I'm not sure how they work, but they seem to try to make loose connections to my profile or the profile of a friend. Once, I kept track of the ads that showed up when I clicked on a friend's wall for a day. We then agreed that our lives would be enhanced by joining "Kim Kardashian's Shoe Society," if only we could afford it.

I try to ignore the ads, fully aware that I am single but also not wishing to subscribe to ANY dating websites at this time- thankyouverymuch. Speaking of awareness, I've been noticing that a lot of my ads have been targeting "Austism Awareness" lately. Well, today I couldn't take my eyes off of this terrible t-shirt design that popped up... so I clicked... which led me to look at other strange and sometimes offensive designs... which led me to this particularly amusing t-shirt targeting a VERY, VERY specific audience. See for yourself: you're gonna want to zoom in on the text. The few, the proud, the Twilighters for Autism Awareness, ladies and gentlemen!

Here's another that made me laugh more than cringe: "Autistic by day, deadly ninja by night." (That one might only be funny if you know a kid who has autism... but I'm laughing with them, not at them.) Lastly: "I asked God for a blessing and he gave me my autistic and nonautistic grandchildren." That's right- someone came up with that poorly phrased statement AND they managed to fit it on the front of a t-shirt. Now that's special.

i love you M.G.

2011-02-16T19:20:00.002-05:00

All of my students have missed at least two days of school in the past week and a half, and it finally got the best of me today. Sleeping has helped overall, but my throat is still raw from coughing all night/day. I was about to take more medicine when I thought about my favorite sore throat remedy: Slurpees! Once I got the idea in my head, I got motivated to get off the couch... and drive to two different 7-11s. The first machine wasn't frozen, but I can't really blame them- seeing as it's winter.

It was totes worth the drive. Mmm. And now I would like to give a shoutout to my trusty Extreme Big Gulp back in Norfolk. Macaulay Gulpkin, you've been there for a lot of great beach trips. Wish you were here!

Macaulay Gulpkin, Natalie, and I circa 2006

traditionally, the worst game ever.

2011-02-13T21:46:00.007-05:00

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day whether you like it or not. As for me, I'm pretty indifferent. If you want to celebrate your relationship or your Bieber fever, I'm not gonna be a hater. You can even wear black if you like, but please... please... don't play the bowl game.

In first grade we were watching an educational video explaining the holiday's history and traditions. You know... Cupid, St. Valentine, hearts, roses, chocolates, cards... but when they started describing a "traditional" game played by children, I looked at the other teacher in the room with a raised eyebrow. I say "traditional" because I've never heard of it in my life. In this game, a player is blindfolded and led over to a table with three bowls on it. One bowl is full to the rim with water. One bowl is half full- or half empty, depending on how you view love I guess. The last bowl is completely empty. So the blindfolded player "traditionally" reaches out and puts their hand in one of the three bowls, unaware of their position on the table. Now, remember this is a child's game and I'm sitting in a room of six-year-olds when I tell you the fate that follows each bowl. The first means your life will be full of love. The second means that you will have a good amount of love in your life. And that third bowl means you will never find love. A little harsh, don't ya think? "Sarah, here's a paper towel. Oh, you got the dry bowl? Have a great life devoid of love."

Yeah, I don't recommend this game to anyone, especially children or single women in their late 20s. Worst game ever. XOXO

knock knock

2011-02-07T16:41:00.007-05:00

About a week ago, my student told a knock-knock joke at the lunch table. I'm sure it didn't make sense, but he's confident enough with the routine of the joke to socialize, which is a big deal, so I'll praise him for it. Problem is: every day since then I've been bombarded with horrible knock-knock jokes from all the first graders at his table. Yeah, I'll do the "Banana... banana... banana... orange you glad I didn't say banana?" a couple of times... but it gets old. Especially when they lose track of how many times they've said banana. That's when I respond with, "Nobody's home. Come back later."

I've tried to explain the mastery of the knock-knock joke:
"See, it works if you say a sound or word that can end in 'who' and mean something funny. Like: Boo. Boo who? Don't cry, it's just a joke! You can try 'atch' and then it sounds like they're sneezing. Atch who? Bless you! Get it?" They don't get it. They act like Brick from Anchorman, just filling in the punchline blank with anything they see on the lunch table. Like my friend Catherine says- kids are idiots.

Today a girl at the table started with the chicken crossing the road jokes. I tried to laugh even though none of their answers made any sense, but I could see my student was brainstorming.

"Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because chickens are not invented yet."
"Good one, buddy! Like the dinosaurs were extinct before there were chickens?!"
"Yeah."
"Smart! Ooh. Why do dinosaurs smell so bad? Because they're exstinkt!"

We went on and on. If you need terrible jokes, I've got plenty to spare. A kid taught me this one today: "How does a computer catch butterflies? With the internet." You're welcome.

bless yer sweet, southern heart

2011-01-31T18:45:00.003-05:00

I don't reckon I've ever laughed until I cried as many consecutive times as I did on Saturday after meeting Christy's friends from Tennessee. These two girls grew up in an ultra-conservative town where the "satan church" poisoned 10 of their kittens and being seen with a glass of wine entitled you to a scarlet "D." ("D" for drunk, not the "D-word," which was something entirely too vulgar to mention. I'll give you a hint- it's not what you think, and it rhymes with sick.) You never get "pissed," (again, too vulgar) only "ticked." And if you hadn't gone to church in Jackson on a Sunday, heaven forbid, you'd better throw on some church clothes 'fore you go out and see anybody... or yer momma's gon' getcha! These girls had hearts of gold and surprisingly fun personalities, but hadn't experienced a lot of the world for being in their twenties- for better or for worse.

Naturally, we took them to a bar. I was telling them what was in each drink on the menu, and helping narrow it down to something they wouldn't spit out... seeing how that wouldn't be lady-like. Southern Belle number two then noticed white bean hummus on the menu. "Ewww, what iiiys thayat?" After I explained my love of hummus to her, Kim asked if she'd ever tried it. "No... but I'd prolly like it. I like everything 'cept marshmallows and fruit roll-ups!" HA! I wanted to ask her if she'd ever tried food that exceeded the palate of an eight-year-old... but she was just too darn cute!

They were certainly sheltered, but what they lacked in culture they made up for in charm. Seriously, if I had a video blog, you'd be dying laughing. I'd describe to you what she thought "fingering" was in middle school, but without the country twang and the gestures, I could never do it justice.

cutest yin yang ever

2011-01-29T16:16:00.003-05:00

Today I took Barkley for a walk outside my friend's townhouse in Louisville. I opened the door and simultaneously a woman walked towards us on the sidewalk with her dog. I knew she was walking a dog because I saw the extension leash in her hand, but the bushes blocked the other end of the leash. Holding Barkley back, I waited for the dog to emerge so I could sense if it was going to be a friendly encounter. Magically, the yin to Barkley's yang tip-toed out onto the sidewalk- a sandy-colored, long-haired wiener dog! Dogwalking Chick didn't seem as amused. I don't think she pictured them cuddling in a precious Dachshund yin yang either.

antarctica

2011-01-24T20:01:00.006-05:00

Greenwood, this one goes out to you...

Today on a Science test, my bright, young student answered the following question:
1) The sun is made of:
A. yellow clouds

These are the moments in a teacher's life when you put your face in your hands and feel like you've been talking to a brick wall for the last few months. Nonetheless, we persevere and continue to teach. As we transitioned down the hallway, I discussed the question with my student and informed him that the sun is actually made of hot gas; hence, the reason we don't all freeze to death. He asked if that was like Antarctica. "Not really," I explain, "because there is life on Antarctica." I then proceeded to explain the Earth's axis and how it relates to the sun, literally rotating down the hall as we walk, and describing why, if I were the Earth, my head and feet would be colder than the middle of my body. (I have become completely comfortable with the stares of others throughout the school. It's inevitable.)

A few feet later, I stopped spinning and looked at him, hoping for a sign of comprehension. He slowly reached out and touched my stomach. "My stomach is not really warmer than my feet... it's a metaphor!" Sigh.

I'm still pretty sure he won't miss that question again.

boots & bandaids

2010-12-09T17:42:00.004-05:00

Now, I'm a patient person, but there are a certain combination of behaviors that will send you over the edge as a teacher. It's different for everyone. For me, it's blatant defiance coupled with being spoiled and having no concept of consequences. Don't tell me you're sorry after I told you 6 times to put the scissors away and you cut a hole in your shirt! I want the best for one of my students, will do everything I can to help him learn, and try my best to start each day with a happy face from the moment he gets off the bus... but he drives me crazy sometimes!

I had taken a risk by wearing new boots and a dress, which was torn in a matter of hours by my other little friend who gets "a little bit physical" to say the least. I had the student sitting down at a desk, with me on the other side, and boy did those boots come in handy. He was avoiding answering a simple question by asking me other questions that had absolutely nothing to do with what we were doing. After 3 minutes of banter I stomped my boot and prayed aloud to Jesus for patience. When I opened my eyes he was gnawing on his hand and pretending to be a tiger. I stared at him for a minute before sitting him in time-out... one that benefited the both of us. The boots were not an effective scare tactic, but they did make me feel a little better.

Later, after reminding him to sit down and raise his hand like 5 times if he wanted to talk to me, he asked, "Ummm... what happened to your one-two finger?" (I had a bandaid on my middle finger from slamming it in a door.) Needless to say, I responded with, "Oh, what? THIS finger? I cut it in a door." My assistant laughed and said, "You've been wanting to do that all day!"

I should wear boots and a bandaid on my middle finger more often. Another co-worker stated, "See. You finally figured out how to be a good teacher. It's in the clothes." Wardrobe might be 25% of teaching. Just a thought.

thanks imdb

2010-12-06T19:26:00.000-05:00

I don't know why I always turn the TV on while I'm on the computer, but I do. Visually, I'm tuned into work (or Facebook), but I'm simultaneously listening to an episode of 16 & Pregnant or Ace of Cakes. Out of nowhere, as I was scanning the guide, I stumbled upon "A Boyfriend for Christmas" from 2004.

I didn't watch it, but I love that it was on because it reminded me of the time I googled myself. That's right. Hasn't everyone? Anyway, the first link brought me to this: my acting career. Scroll down and bask in my 13-yr-old glory.

Noteworthy: There are two actresses named Kelli in this movie, which is INCREDIBLY rare.

deck the halls

2010-12-05T13:15:00.001-05:00

When I woke up Saturday morning, it was 10-something. This surprised me because I'm so used to getting up at 5:30 that even when I don't need to, my body usually insists. But yesterday I managed to sleep in after a long night out. I felt good about it, until I opened the back door to let my dog out and the sunlight from a thousand suns pierced my eyes. That last shot my friend bought must have had human blood in it, because I had clearly been transformed into a vampire overnight. I sluggishly put sunglasses on and slouched down in the living room while my roommate decorated her Christmas tree. Tis the season after all.

I guess I'm the Scrooge out of the two of us. I love Christmas, but I don't actually own any holiday decorations. I have a Diet Coke ornament around here somewhere, but even that is borderline cheerful. It never crossed my mind until I was setting up her second nativity scene in the living room and thinking, "Isn't this an excessive amount of shepherds?"

I must admit, I really like the cat stocking hanging over the fireplace. I'm thinking I should join in on the fun and get one for Barkley. I need to pick up the slack. December is officially in da house!

Not a vampire.

Applause for the roommate!

it's christmas let's be glad!

2010-12-04T14:52:00.001-05:00

If you didn't know, Sufjan Stevens is awesome. Here's some free Christmas music to make you smile: http://xmas.asthmatickitty.com/

"Since it's Christmas let's be glad! Even if your life's been bad."

I love celebrating baby Jesus. He makes everything better...

patterns

2010-11-13T13:08:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to solidify my kindergarteners' knowledge of patterns lately. Most get it, but some are too concerned with building trains out of unifix cubes to really show me they can apply the skill.

I bring this up because last night I saw a little girl flaunting her knowledge of patterns at a Mexican restaurant where I was hanging out with some teacher friends. Now, I was just eating chips and salsa, listening to my coworkers talk, when this little girl happened to catch my attention out of the corner of my eye. She was walking by our table, admiring the Corona banner that hung on the outside of the booths throughout the restaurant. Doing my best to stay tuned into the conversation at my table, I tried to block her out. And then I heard what she was saying:

"Beach. Beer. Beach. Beer. Beach. Beer. Beach. Beer..."

I have no idea where her parents were, but they should be proud. Baby girl knows her patterns.

i had a dream

2010-10-26T19:54:00.005-04:00

Every now and then I can remember one of my dreams. It's usually a product of waking up before the school alarm goes off, like at 4am this morning, and trying to fall back asleep for an hour and a half. Most details have escaped my memory, but I do recall a couple of bizarre features.

Setting: Elementary school. I was making a music video to promote our Dolphin Dollar school-wide discipline plan. No, I have never been asked to do this, but apparently it's a dream of mine. In the video another teacher and I have rewritten the words to Fat Joe's "Make It Rain."

"I make it rain, I make it rain, I make it rain on Donahoe!"

Now, I've joked about that statement before, but I had never envisioned myself doing a Lil Wayne face and dropping yellow Dolphin Dollars on video in our cafeteria... until this morning. And let me tell you what- the video would go viral if we actually produced it.

"Ay maaahn listen up
I got somethin to tell ya
Cuz if you follow da rules
you might need an umbrella-
I make it rain..."

Yeah. And if that wasn't random enough, between cuts my ghetto-fab coworker turns to me and starts speaking in Spanish. This subconsciously makes sense because she does know how to speak Spanish. However, the only Spanish I understand is from 3 years of mediocre public school Spanish class. We were more interested in duct taping the sub plans to the desk than learning how to order "papas fritas." Two profesoras quit that year. Needless to say, the little I had retained from high school has now been replaced by useless information like the lyrics to rap songs. Sorry, Senora SoNSo. Naturally, my coworker told me to put my gum in the trash, which is what I always got in trouble for when called on in class. The other useless phrases obviously didn't stick with me due to their frivolity. And then I woke up.

Admins, if you want me to direct and star in something, I have a vision.

good day, sir!

2010-10-22T16:49:00.001-04:00

Friday is always a good day- even if it's a bad day. I don't have to do the school thing for at least a night, and that makes me HAPPY.

I bought my Sufjan Stevens ticket! He's definitely top 3 on the favorite artist list, and his show at the Kennedy Center with a full orchestra is hands down the best show I've ever been to, which says a lot. I don't go to shows as much now, as I am no longer as cool as I was in college, but I have to make it out on a school night every now and then. Beyond that, the ticket window girl made me feel pretty cool.

"Your credit card info prints out dope. Kelli D.- that's a tight rap name."

notherdog

2010-10-21T17:26:00.001-04:00

I have a kid in my class who used to have major speech problems, but now his speech is my problem- he never shuts up! He's obsessed with animals and asks me every day what my dog's name is. So, I tell him. Every. Day. He picks the worst moments to talk about it too, like during the middle of teaching a lesson or when he's walking out the door.

"Uhhhh, what's your dog's name?"
"Go to class- we'll talk at lunch! Goodbye!"
"What's your dog's name?"
(ignoring)
"Um excuse me, what's your dog's name?"
"Barkley. His name is Barkley, remember? Goodbye!"
"How do you spell Barkley?"
(shuts door in his face)

When lunch comes he tells me about his cat for the 50-millionth time. And asks me, again, what my dog's name is. I show him a picture on my phone so he'll stop pestering me. And just when I think he's done...

"What's your notherdog's name?"
"What?"
"Um... what's your notherdog's name?"
"I don't have a 'nother dog.' I have one dog."
"Ok. What's your cat's name?"

I'm gonna get another dog just so I can shut the kid up. GEHHHH.

somebody call nat geo!

2010-10-19T20:17:00.001-04:00

Roommate: My cat has an eating disorder. Do you think I could have my own show?
Me: Probably. What would it be called?
Roommate: "My Cat Has An Eating Disorder"

Ten minutes later...
(TV GUIDE) Channel 132 National Geographic WILD "My Dog Ate What?"

Me: You could DEFINITELY have your own show.

Positive effects of binge eating: celebrity $tatu$.

epistaxis

2010-10-07T17:36:00.004-04:00

Sometimes I get nosebleeds. It's probably the nerdiest thing about me. My freshman roommate used to make fun of me all the time for my untimely bloodshed, and I guess it was appropriate. I'm too prideful to get a humidifier. I mean, really, those are for babies and the elderly. Instead I keep napkins in the door of my car, so I don't arrive at work looking like I may have committed a homicide. I get nervous when my roommate wants the heat set at 72 degrees. And I can only pray that I don't start bleeding while teaching autistic children. One student in particular would probably never come within a 5-foot radius of me again because I'd be "unclean" in his eyes.

The thing with nosebleeds is that you can feel them coming on... but only about three seconds before it's too late. It's a ten minute inconvenience, plus a lifetime of embarrassment. This also leads me to believe, on a hypochondriac kind of day, that I may or may not have cancer (I bruise easily!) and must stay away from WebMD, lest I become certain of it. Cocaine is not the culprit, so maybe it's cancer.

Still, I'm more of a nerd than a hypochondriac. I'm just making light of the nuisance. So, in the fall or winter, if suddenly cower away from you, hands over face, it's not necessarily because you disgust me. I'm just a nerd with a nosebleed.

bumper to bumper

2010-10-02T10:42:00.009-04:00

I saw an interesting bumper sticker on the highway. Interesting, first off, because I couldn't tell what it said for a few seconds. The car had been rear ended, crushing the bumper, along with the driver's message to the general commuting public. At first I thought the word may have been a bad pun written by a christian bookstore or something, like, "gracism." But I was mistaken. They did me one better. Their fender bender had morphed their "end racism" sticker into a straight up advertisement for "RACISM." Oh, oblivious driver. Now the other half of your car is bout to get jacked up.

This got me thinking about the time my sister and I were stuck in tunnel traffic behind a minivan on the bridge leaving Norfolk. It was the first African American driver (with a diva license plate I wish I could remember how to spell) I've seen with those white, stick-figure people on her window. Like, her entire family plus her two dogs... and her two fish... in a fishbowl... with their names written under each figure. One fish was named TJ. I'm pissed that my brain is retaining that information instead of something important. I like to believe that TJ, the fish, is really named Thomas Jefferson, but they couldn't fit that on the window because there were so many damn figures on it! If you don't know what I'm talking about, this one's not DVADRVR, but it's almost as good:

Why don't you windsurf over into the right lane because I don't particularly care about the attributes of your family. Sidenote: your dog is seriously emaciated.

late night snack

2010-07-01T00:11:00.005-04:00

How bad would it be for me to cook some onion rings right now at 12:10am? I ate hummus and Triscuit thin crisps for dinner and then played in two softball games. Does it help to know that it's the only food I have in the apartment because I'm moving in 2 days and I want to wait to grocery shop?

No?

Grrr.

The onion rings were actually left in the freezer by the previous tenant of this apartment. I'm not sure why we kept them. Guess I'll leave em for the next renters and go to bed hungry.

glowsticks ready

2010-06-30T18:11:00.005-04:00

I'm going to a warehouse party on Friday after I move. I'm pretty stoked about it.

Details: I know a guy who knows a girl that knows a guy that knows a guy who owns a warehouse.

That guy's only stipulations were: don't burn the place down or get arrested.

My friend DJ Western Front will be bringing it!

Now I just need to find an outfit like this---->

It's gonna be kinda like that one episode of Dawson's Creek where Andie gets into Harvard, but then she goes to a rave and takes Jen's drugs which react to her anti-depressant meds and she almost dies... except ours will have no drugs, no drama, and much more dancing. Should be fun! Let me know if you want to come!!

fwd FWD fwd FWD fwd

2010-06-29T17:09:00.006-04:00

I'm not a fan of forwards. If something has been forwarded one time from a funny friend, maybe. Anything that's been forwarded more than once is a warning sign. Especially if it comes via text message. The unfortunate part of this story is that I love the sender dearly. I can appreciate that she's thinking of me, but I have a hard time receiving her messages. The most recent one was particularly absurd.

Exhibit A:
(picture of a folded $100 bill)
"A blessing is coming to you in the form of money. Dont ask questions, just fwd to 5 ppl. The devil said you wont take the time to do this. Prove him wrong. Send to 10 ppl and get Good News in an hour! Put god first.GOD BLESS"

Where to begin. The usage/spelling errors are too easy. Perhaps with the fact that the original sender is on speaking terms with the devil. Or maybe the fact that they are probably NOT on speaking terms with the devil, yet decided that "putting god first" meant telling people they'll get money for texting. WTF.

The obvious conclusion here is that the devil must work for Verizon. Can you hear me now, Satan?

treasure map

2010-06-28T17:08:00.003-04:00

Background: Today and tomorrow I'm participating in an Autism curriculum conference. When I say "participating" I mean: sitting in a chair for six hours while listening to a man say, "Match cup. Good, you earned your penny. One more to go... match plate. Very good. Here's your spinner toy! Now, I need another volunteer..." You need a volunteer like I need a Diet Coke, buddy.

So, the conference is in Chester, which I really know nothing about, so I look up directions on Google maps. Knowing I'm going to need a place to eat on a lunch break, I scan the map for food options as well. This is where I find something strange.

Pizza Hut- no. Dunkin Doughnuts- no. Time capsule- ?!

What kind of time capsule? CLICK.

Under "Creative Ideas": Do not bury your Time Capsule!!!!!
No Time Capsule should ever be buried. This popular belief is the worst thing you could do to your memorabilia. The International Time Capsule Society also estimates that over 90% of all time capsules ever created have been lost!

Thanks for explaining how to write letters to the Future. And especially for dispelling that devestating misconception about burying. (R.I.P. pogs)

feline fashion

2010-06-27T13:03:00.001-04:00

If you haven't read yesterday's post, please look to your right and reference my archive. This is a purrfect response from my friend, Kim:

She confesses, "Well I have to admit. Our cat has a tie. It was one of his Christmas gifts. When my son wanted to get it for him, I never thought he would wear it. But he does. Jackson always gets it out when we have guests."

Tyler, we're all curious. Do you like the tie, or do you just wear it out of obligation to your owners?

"Well, at first I was like, 'Whoa, Jackson- I like to keep things casual.' But then, I kept getting compliments from the ladies on the way it brought out my eyes. I think it says, 'Sure, I play with little toy mice... but I also mean business.' It ain't so bad looking good."

There's the scoop. Cat ties... could be worse.

you don't need quarters for this load of crap

2010-06-27T00:31:00.007-04:00

The blog is LIVE. (Catherine, you don't have to watch the Royksopp video anymore. Your petition has been heard. Repeatedly.) So, I learned something about myself today. It went like this:

"Barkley-boy, whatcha doin, bud?
Come here.
Come on buddy.
That's a good boy!
Good boy, Barkley.
I can't believe Ghana just scored like that on us. We're gonna lose in overtime... just like-
I'm talking to you like you're a person.
...
I need to get out of this empty apartment.
Still talking outloud.
...
Wow."

And then I went shopping.
(curtain)

Later, from Target, I text someone a picture of a cat tie from the pet section. She replied, "Why is there a market for that? WTF." And I typed back, "Pet owners are crazy."

You take this tie off me right meow.

remind me

2010-03-28T22:28:00.002-04:00

this royksopp video is rad. it came out in 2002, but i hadn't seen it until today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Xhdy9zBEws&feature=related

every time you watch, you pick up on new details.

tooth fairy

2010-03-26T15:36:00.004-04:00

Conversation I had with a Kindergartener today...

Student: Can the Tooth Fairy talk?
Me: Of course. But you'll never hear her because she comes while you're sleeping.
Student: I bet she sound like a leprechaun!
Me: How much did you get for that tooth?
Student: $5.
Me: $5!? I used to get, like, a quarter when I was little.
Student: Daaaang. A quarter? The Tooth Fairy used to be broke?

i don't want your weed

2010-03-24T19:49:00.012-04:00

When I was doing my student teaching in Art, elementary students would constantly draw me pictures. It only takes a day or two to cover a wall with stick figure family portraits. So, once I graciously received the same subject matter in every color (times five), Baby Girl's drawing went in the trash. You may think it harsh, but look- I trashed it behind her back. And if she asked the following day where her picture of me holding hands with a sea turtle under a rainbow went... then, "it's on my refrigerator!"

Times have changed, much like my job, but kids are pretty much the same. They love giving me crappy gifts! Now that spring is here, the little dears have a new tactic: spending the first five minutes of recess picking bouquets of dandelions and trying to make me keep them. I really appreciate the thought, but I don't want to hold your weeds by these half-an-inch stems for the next 20 minutes.

My recommended technique:
1) Keep the girls in your peripheral vision.
2) As they lock their eyes on you and begin their approach- COUNTER!
3) Before they can get a word out, say something to the effect of, "What beautiful flowers," lean down to smell, and immediately walk past them.

Before they can tell you who they're for, you're on the mulch and in the clear! You now have one hand available to hold a walkie talkie, and the other free to point at the punk running up the sliding board.

tyra, tyra, tyra

2010-03-10T20:08:00.010-05:00

In case you're tyred of Tyra and haven't tuned in to the season 14 opener of America's Next Top Model, allow me to highlight. Two minutes into the episode she has blown my mind once again.

Picture frantic models crowded into an empty room, awaiting Tyra's entrance. When, OUT OF NOWHERE, a screen pops up! We see Tyra's face appear on her "Myfierce page," with a list of stats to her right. Stay with me now. Interests include: smizing (translation: smiling with your eyes), modeling H2T (head to toe), etc. I want to say her location said "Fierceland," but I can't be sure. There was brain cell loss in just watching.

Anyway, she's going on and on about how she has 32 friend requests, but is too popular and can only accept 12... blahblah... then Miss J comes through with the pun of the night: "Welcome to the Net-walk (network), I am going to screen you to see which of you have viruses and which of you don't." Later they took "profile pictures."

I know you're in season 14, but really?? You are over the top absurd. Yet your madness is so irresistibly entertaining!

typography for kids

2010-03-07T15:09:00.005-05:00

I thought March was supposed to be the month of "madness," yet I felt behind in life for all of February. During the day, my dog burrows into a pile of dirty clothes behind my bedroom door like he's hibernating for the winter. And can you blame him? The laundry is one of the many things that's been piling up in my life. Still, I can't complain. God is good. Spring is nearly upon us.

Yesterday, instead of doing laundry, I went to thrift stores and bought books for my classroom. You can't beat 25 cent books! I picked up some really great finds, including this one that I'm going to give as a gift... because it's never too early to teach kids about sans serif.

"The Letter Jesters" by Cathryn Falwell introduces kids to typography on a really basic level. So awesome! Kind of made me wish I was using my Art Education degree right now.

common cents

2010-01-14T18:51:00.005-05:00

"Your total comes to 4.08."

I reach into my wallet, find three pennies, and what I assumed was a nickel (because exact change is oh-so-satisfying). Upon closer examination I deduced that the silver coin in my hand was not a nickel at all; however, it was worth five cents in the Bahamas and similar in size/weight. I'm sure some cashier somewhere pawned this off on me, and I planned on continuing the exchange of foreign currency. I cleverly stacked the three pennies atop the counterfeit coin and handed it over with an innocent look.

She totally called me out. I believe her exact words were, "I don't know what this is, but I need five cents." What could I do but look at the coin like I hadn't noticed and go, "huh." Eight pennies it is. BACKFIRE.

lazy what?

2010-01-12T19:22:00.004-05:00

I'm generally ten feet or less away from my student in a Kindergarten class for the majority of the day. I take data on his behavior, and help him work through social issues, follow directions, complete work, etc. He's pretty entertaining most of the time- and today was no exception.

I was sitting at a table while he was at the Listening Center, a station where students put on headphones and follow along with a book to learn letter sounds. The tape has them sing a little jingle out loud to practice the letter of the week. I hadn't looked at the "L" book yet, and was 99% focused on my paperwork when I overheard something odd.

"Lazy loser, luh, luh, luh. Lazy loser, luh, luh, luh. Lazy loser, luh, luh, luh. Listen, look, and say!"

For starters, my student can't make the "L" sound. Still, I know his speech well enough to understand most things he's trying to say, so this peaks my interest. Lazy loser? That can't be a children's book. If it is, I'd love to see the illustrations. I creep over behind him so he doesn't sense my presence...

Ah- Lazy LIZARD. Good stuff.

gateway

2010-01-03T15:50:00.007-05:00

As I rapidly approach 26, I find myself contemplating my present lifestyle. I'm trying to push aside traditional standards of success. This includes deflecting my father calling my puppy his "granddog" during the holidays to extended family. Instead I'd like to focus on the positive things: having a good job, friends, church, health, etc. I have a lot to be thankful for.

Yet, I have a concern. Could DDR be a gateway game? Allow me to explain: My roommate has recently aquired Wii, which we play in our free time. We will probably play it a lot during weeknights to take our minds off of elementary school stress. We're doing Mario Kart, a little Dance Dance Revolution, and now Wii Fit has entered the home. I'm just saying... you start out with DDR one day, and next thing you know you could be playing World of Warcraft online with a headset. Gateway game. I expect an intervention if I even start skating close to "Gamer" territory. Got it?

haikold

2009-12-30T14:57:00.006-05:00

Winter feeding grounds
Devoid of feathered banquet
I long to migrate

[photograph from my porch]

respect

2009-12-08T19:26:00.004-05:00

Today on the playground, three 5-year-old girls run up to me screaming "MISS KING, MISS KING, MISS KING!!!" When I turn around to see what all the commotion is about- some kid is probably crying about something per usual- they hold up their fingers in the shape of an L and yell, "LOSER!" Then they run away laughing.

Really? These kids have lost their minds. If they talk back to me at the wrong moment, the truth about Santa might come out. I always get the last laugh.

Save me, Christmas break...

no brainer

2009-12-07T17:06:00.004-05:00

Which part of the following Facebook notification is most ridiculous?

A) Someone from HS invited you to play City of Eternals.
B) Unfortunately, you were jacked by several vampire thugs before you even got there.
C) Resurrect yourself as a Vampire and get some revenge!
D) All of it.

The answer is B for using the words "jacked" and "vampire thugs". Also, D.

bonus post!

2009-11-29T19:53:00.003-05:00

When I posted my link on my facebook page, it asked me to write two words separated by a space for security.

gayern $1-million

"Weird combo," I thought. You have another option in the pop-up security check: Can't read the words below? Try different words. So I did. Other options generated:

cadillac people
moral witkin
inbreeds up
democrat father
directors unicorn
why buglers
91/2589 baldest
gazelle included
sympathy cough

Where do these words come from and how do they get grouped together? If you're in high school and need a name for your first pop-punk band, you may just hit the jackpot.

dry spell

2009-11-29T18:56:00.004-05:00

So, it's been a month since my last blog... but it feels like at least three. This dry spell has been brought to you by Charles Barkley and the Teaching Profession.

I hope you had a good Thanksgiving! Mine was good, thanks. I always look forward to Thanksgiving, but this year it seemed to come at just the right time. As you may know, "people tend to feel happier and more energetic in the spring and summer when there are more hours of daylight, and to feel more gloomy and lethargic in the fall and winter when daylight hours are reduced." I have been no exception. I guess serotonin transporters may be contributing to my blah mood lately, in addition to other things, but I'm over it- with our without sunlight.

I'm thankful that I've been able to bask in the comfort of old friends this weekend. It was nice to relax and just be myself. They always make hanging out a priority. And no matter how long it's been, we just pick up where we left off. It was just the refresher I needed to get me through to Christmas break... which is in how many days?

Speaking of being thankful, check out Louis CK on Conan: Everything is amazing right now, and nobody's happy.
True and funny.

usa party

2009-10-29T19:36:00.002-04:00

What does it look like to move one's hips like "yeah"..?

wagon

2009-10-27T16:51:00.007-04:00

When we were young, my parents had some kind of maroon wagon that we drove around. The make and model escape me. This was before we cruised in the Minivan with the fake wood paneling on the side. My sister and I used to love the wagon because it had the backward facing seats where you could look out the back window and see the world whizzing by like it was shooting into the future. Exhilarating! We didn't have texting back then.

Well, today I actually pulled up at a stoplight behind a similar vehicle. The sight of a brother and sister making direct eye contact with me brought a smile to my face. Quickly I remembered why it was so fun as a kid. We thought of the back window like a two-way mirror. We stared at the drivers but felt that we were invisible within wagon limits. A few seconds after stopping at the light, homegirl started picking her nose. It was sick, but no matter how many times I tried to look away, when I glanced back she had her death stare locked on me. I couldn't avoid it! She pulled out her finger. "No," I thought, "she wouldn't..." Totally ate it.

Backward facing riders do not joke around. They control the road and we're just caught up in their wake.

the 4's

2009-10-26T21:39:00.007-04:00

I wouldn't title myself a "morning person" per say, but I get up early every morning. I'm sponsored by Diet Coke. I wake up when my alarm goes off at 5:00... or when the second alarm sounds twenty minutes later. Sometimes I hold out for a third alarm on my phone to ring at 5:40 if I'm planning my outfit in my head and commit to exceed my normal driving speed by several mph.

It's pitch black outside before 7am in case you don't have the pleasure of being awake at such an hour. My roommate and I walk short trips to and from the kitchen- though not yet audible- making lunches, getting dressed, and finally opening our mouths one first and only time to say, "Have a good day." The same response follows daily: "Thanks, you too." From there we separately listen to NPR for 20 minutes in our cars- oddly about the time it takes for teacher voices to warm up before sunrise.

Today, however, I set a new early bird record when I woke up to a panicky dog who needed to pee at 4:30. Waking up in the 4's is like waking up in an alternate dimension. It's dark, quiet, and hopefully never a part of my consciousness again. Goodnight.

Averígüelo!

2009-10-24T11:14:00.002-04:00

If you thought Beakman's World was a quirky show when you were 8... you should watch it on Telemundo now. Out of control.

MK, check it out!

hot vet

2009-10-19T19:34:00.005-04:00

As you know, I have a 13-week-old puppy. He was due for his next set of shots, so I started researching vet practices. First, I did a Google search of vets in my area, but I got mixed reviews: One person would comment that the clinic was inexpensive and quality. The second commenter would say they left because they felt it was too expensive. A third person would say it was moderately priced. No help at all. However, there was one review that stood out among the rest (and I quote): "One Billion Stars for Dr. Hiser..." This lady went on about how he was "easy on the eyes, if you know what I mean." I kind of wanted to know what she meant.

My next tactic was to ask a couple of pet owner friends in the area. Without prompting, both friends referred me to Dr. Hiser and commented on his good looks. Sold! My dog needed some shots, and I needed to see this handsome man with my own eyes.

Today I waited in room two, anticipation killing me... when in walks Dr. Hiser. He introduced himself and asked if we'd met before. I told him I didn't think so. I was immediately becoming one of his biggest fans like every other girl who'd ever set foot in his office. This guy had charm. He smiled as he described puppy vaccinations in detail. I let him explain stuff I already knew about, accepted the diet coke he offered (a quick way to my heart), and when he asked me if I wanted to see my dog's ear mites under the microscope, what do you think I said?

They looked disgusting.

I don't think Dr. Hotser's business is going to be affected by the economy. Women will continue to pay to be in his presence. He was not wearing a wedding ring- I just happened to notice. Not that I'm interested. FYI: KH & NG.

i'm da winner?

2009-10-14T16:13:00.004-04:00

My student discovered Text Twist today. We walked into the gym to run a few laps because we had "too much energies," and the PE teacher was playing on his computer. This child's biggest motivator is the computer, so he runs right into the office YELLING "Hey! What are you doing?!" We're working on the concept of greeting people when we see them...

Fortunately for me, this kid also loves the alphabet. He has foam letters that I carry around the school in my crisis bag at all times, so he can spell out Nick Jr and Popeye when he's about to flip out.

So he sees letters on the screen and automatically starts yelling out what he sees, when he realizes that there's a timer. Timers are one of his least favorite things at school, because I set one to tell him he has to get off the computer in my room. Plus, he's super noise-sensitive. Ha. Now that the timer is involved, he has spelling urgency but can't find the letters on the keyboard fast enough. His frenzy sounds a little something like this:

"Hurry. Hurrrrrry. A-N-D. A-N-D, A-N-D, A-N-D! Where da D? Da timer is TICKING! T-U-N... Twist! Twist!"

"T-U-N is not a word. Try again."

"Find da words! Hurry! Da time is going FASTER! DAN, do DAN!"

"That's somebody's name."

"What's da words? Hurrrrrrrry!"

(Buzz)

"I'm da winner?"

"Um, yeah, you're definitely a winner. We'll play more later. First work, then computer. Tell Mr. So and So 'bye.'"

"Bye Mrs. So and So."

folk fest

2009-10-11T17:57:00.011-04:00

It's that time of year again. Temperatures and leaves are falling. Scarves and sweaters come out of hibernation. The Richmond Folk Festival draws tens of thousands out to the river, luring the crowd with music, food, crafts, and sunshine.

I didn't want Barkley to miss out on green grass sprinkled with falafel crumbs, so my friend drives us and we park several blocks away. We'd rather parallel than pay $5 in a lot. At this point I'm carrying Barkley in my arm. Not arms, just one arm- because he's that small. People smile when they spot the 3lb pup, and every little girl asks if she can pet him. "Of course," I say. "He's a miniature dachshund," I reply. "He's ten weeks old," I answer. Lots of questioning and petting later, we arrive at the entrance.

"Aw, isn't he sweet! But they're not allowing dogs in today."
"What? Are you serious?"
"Yeah, or bikes. It's pretty retarded." (It's not 'retarded.')
"Okay, well..."
"Could you put him in your purse?"

My mind flashed back to my youngest sister's words from a day earlier. "Don't tell me you're carrying him around in your purse." Disown me if you will, but I must confess: as of today, I am one of those girls who carries a tiny dog in her purse. Not everywhere, just when necessary.

"Um, yeah, I think he could probably fit. I don't know if he'll like it very much, but I'll try it."

He sat in there without a whimper, which is another reason why I love this dog! He's so chill when he needs to be. The tiny, but disproportionately long neck sticking out of my purse got even more attention than originally. At times it was a bit much, although, it was fun getting to see the joy he brought people.

We sat on the top of the hill and listened to a little reggae, as countless Folks continued to stop to meet Charles Barkley. All parties involved were thoroughly entertained. Barkley even got his first sip of beer from some lady who was momentarily distracted by his charm and set her plastic cup on the ground. Cheers.

peace

2009-10-09T16:30:00.005-04:00

Today my student promised to do better next week.
Somebody give this kid a Nobel Peace Prize for good intentions.

see spot snuggie

2009-10-08T19:41:00.007-04:00

From the people who brought us the Snuggie, ladies and gentlemen: Snuggie for Dogs! Comes with a free recordable dog tag. So if you happen to see a distressed stray wearing ultra soft fleece, you can listen to the recorded address and take the dog to it's owner.

God already patented a fleece Snuggie for an animal- sheep. I think I'll keep my $14.95 + $7.95 shipping and handling because my dog happens to have fur. I thought they would stop the malarkey after Designer Snuggies introduced animal print, but apparently the creative team was just getting warmed up.

Two paws down from Barkley.

barkley

2009-10-07T14:58:00.004-04:00

I've been considering it for years, and finally I got a miniature wiener dog! His name is Charles Barkley. He's nine weeks old and weighs about 3 pounds. And, yes, everything he does is cute. He picked up a cigarette butt in his mouth yesterday and I was like, "aww little smoking baby." He's adorable.

I'm looking for someone who can take care of him during the day- or at least let him out- on a couple days... so let me know if you have a schedule that would allow. I could maybe pay you a little. Holla atcha grrrl.

rva- river city...

2009-09-29T15:55:00.002-04:00

Statues, statues, statues comin atchu! Representin the 804 y'all.

Blaine, take it away.

HILARIOUS.

absurdity

2009-09-23T18:44:00.006-04:00

I totally forgot to report the most absurd thing I saw last week! It's kind of boring, but the strangeness factor redeems it I think. You tell me.

I pull up to a red light in my red Jetta on the way to work. I'm stopped in the right lane of two lanes turning left, when out of my peripheral I notice that the driver next to me is reading a book! At a red light! Who does that?! She's propped this book up on the steering wheel, just casually reading away, with the bookmark in her right hand.

Questions:
1) What could you possibly be reading at a time like this? Kerouac- On The Road?
2) Is the book so good that you can't stand 45 seconds without it?
3) How are you going to know when the light turns green?
4) Can't you sense my disapproving glare?

No you can't, because you're concentrated on reading a paragraph and a half right now. I'm confused yet amused by you, chronic reader.

the bat came back the very next day

2009-09-22T19:33:00.005-04:00

Last night, sitting on the porch, we couldn't help but notice a bat haunting our airspace. Well, it's back tonight! At first I thought it was a bird, but then several birds flew past and I could clearly tell that the silhouette belonged to a bat. A bat that circles the street space between our upper porch and the apartments across, never appearing to land! It just flies around, blending in with the landscape, then reappearing against a gray sky. At first I thought it was the devil, but then I rebuked it and it didn't go away. So, it looks like we're dealing with a mortal Chiroptera here.

Doesn't this guy have a cave to hang from? Are bats typical city-dwellers? If there are any experts out there, tell me everything.

t-shirt idea

2009-09-16T16:22:00.005-04:00

I have a current event t-shirt idea.

Front:

Back:

"No Swine in 2009."

It's catchier than "I survived H1N1."

he's a runner!

2009-09-15T17:42:00.021-04:00

We use a lot of acronyms in Exceptional Education. The lingo is constantly changing, and I can barely keep up with it myself. But when it comes to one behavior, we call it like we see it. I'm talking about "Runners."

Bless their pounding little hearts, these are the children who take off running when you least expect it. Some kids at my school literally have to wear trackers on their body because they are especially gifted in sprinting.

So my special friend, we'll call him Carl Lewis, is a "Runner" and today he got me good. One second I'm sitting next to him drinking my Diet Coke, the next he's running out the cafeteria door. Before the aluminum hits the table this kid is several feet down the hallway- talk about a head start. I calmly but briskly walk out of the cafeteria on his trail. He looks back at the corner turn to see me following and goes from a jog to a full-on sprint for freedom.

I enter the main hallway stretch and he's about 50 feet or so in front of me. I'm speed walking like nobody's business, but this kid isn't gonna make me look like a fool while I can still see him. Then, he reaches the foyer and makes a sharp left out of my sight towards the main entrance, or in this case exit, to the building.

"Oh shit," I whisper softly with a distinct hint of panic. There was one teacher wayyyy down the hallway, but not close enough to grab him, so I'm forced to start running. In my head, I'm thinking about what my next move will be if Carl Lewis has fled the building. I imagine myself sticking my head into the office, shouting, "We've got a Runner!" and then trying to tackle this child before he hits the main road. Thank God I wasn't wearing heels today!

I turn the corner, and there he is: sitting as still as he could be on a bench in the foyer. I hit the brakes and sit down next to him, waiting a few seconds before speaking.

"Carl Lewis, you ok?"
"Yeah."
"What happened? Why did you run away?"
"I can't. sit. down. My feets..."
(He runs in place, pointing to his feet, mumbling something I can't understand.)
"Ok. Well, you're safe now. Let's walk back to class together. Hold my hand."
"Ok. I sorry."
"It's ok, now I don't have to join that gym I didn't have time for."

"Paging Doctor H"

2009-09-13T19:50:00.009-04:00

Made it through the first week of elementary school, yallll! I've been taking data on several Kindergarten students who may be special, and that's been pretty entertaining. Kindergarten is pure chaos the first week, especially for children who may or may not be autistic. Standing in a straight line is hard enough... The student in front of the kid I'm observing turns around in line and threatens, "If you smell my jacket one more time, I'm gonna knock you out!"... now imagine a surprise fire drill. Good times! I love them though. I really do. Remind me to revisit this post in a couple of months when I'm pulling my hair out.

It was a positive week, but it was an EXHAUSTING week. Waking up at 5:30am every day ain't for the faint of heart. Friday after bus duty I went straight to Huntington to cover for the directors who were both out of town, to complete a 12-hr work day. When I got home all I wanted to do was hang out and have some fun, but it seemed that my friends were busy. WAH-wahhh. I opened and closed Huntington 8:30-2:30 Saturday, and was ready to chill when I finished. Though I was more tired than pumped at the time, I had agreed to participate in a bocce ball tournament to benefit CHAT at 4:30.

After a lunch debriefing with my roommate, her boyfriend, and another college friend who was in town, I unveiled a surprise to my partner KH. She's fresh out of physical therapy school, so I decided we'd toss under the name "Paging Doctor H." Every time they called us up to play a round, I was thoroughly amused. And we were both pretty excited as we dominated each level of the bracket. Who knew we had it in us?! The last game came down to the wire, but before I knew it, we were holding a giant posterboard check for $30! The festivities continued as a solid group of JMU grads met up for some football watching and quality hang time. One week down, thirty-five to go!

where i left off

2009-09-09T20:03:00.010-04:00

Now, where was I? Chapter 4: Big City, Small World

Somewhere beyond the land where Build-A-Bear insides tumble around a metal cage like lotto balls, there's a building on Lexington Avenue that houses JWT: one of the world's largest advertising and communications companies. HC, a dear friend of mine, works with a little client called Smirnoff. Perhaps you've heard of them? If you've never tried Tuscan Lemonade, maybe you've seen their "Be There" campaign on TV- yes the one with the slip and slide. It was crazy, and HC was there. In fact, she is there every day. Cheers to you, friend.

I met up with HC after a long day in the city, outside her JWT office. She was talking with a new intern as I approached and out of nowhere this guy mentions that he's from Virginia.

"Really?! We're from Virginia! Where are you from?"
"I live in Richmond."
"Seriously? We both live in Richmond!"

This kid lives within ten minutes of my apartment, so I'm thinking: small world. Then, his friend walks up to meet him. We immediately do a double-take.

"...hey..."
"KK, right?"
"Yeah! How do I know you?"

We definitely went to high school together, which felt completely unreal. What are the chances? The next day, upon HC's prompting, I used the "I'm with JWT" line to get a discount on my lunch and felt pretty important. Further, I love that they give a branch of employees the title: Creatives. I bet they have killer business cards.

woops

2009-08-30T18:25:00.003-04:00

I've been negligent, I know. I would have warned you if I'd had any idea myself. (Insert cliche about life being unpredictable...)

Now that I've got this teaching job (YAY), I'm not going to be able to contribute daily time to the blog (BOO). I pledge do my best to update when I can, considering autistic children should be good material for storytelling.

Keep it real. We'll be in touch.

101

2009-08-26T22:19:00.004-04:00

I don't recommend watching the Oprah episode about MRSA while feverish. There was an 11-yr-old who died in like 5 days, after coming home from school with a temperature.

I've had a 101 fever for 2 days.

Hoping to make it through New Teacher Academy alive.

I Studied You In Art History!

2009-08-24T20:45:00.005-04:00

Not you, mysterious boy with longish brown hair and riveting theories on aesthetics! I meant the masters' classics!! I spent several days meandering about museums and trying to take it all in.

First stop: the Guggenheim. Amazing models and plans of Frank Lloyd Wright, including buildings that were never carried out. The architecture of the museum is cool in and of itself. In my opinion, tickets are a bit over-priced for the average tourist. Leave this one for the real nerds to check out.

Next: the Met. The Metropolitan Museum of Art is impossible to digest in a day. I get winded just thinking about describing the contents of that place. I walked through room after never ending room of work that I'd only seen in textbooks or on slides, and found it absolutely incredible. Off the top of my head: Picasso, Van Gogh, Cezanne, Degas, Monet, Manet, Miro, Mondrian, Kandinsky, Klimt, De Kooning, Rauschenberg, Lichtenstein, Lewitt, Johns, Oldenburg, Sherman, Avedon, Warhol, Close, O'Keefe, Dali, etc... simply unreal seeing their work in person.

Lastly, and probably my favorite: the MOMA. I spent an entire day there. Check out the Museum of Modern Art's website for visuals on their current collections. "Side 2" is a rad music exhibit highlighting artists of the 70s: Blondie, Talking Heads, Sonic Youth, and the like. Ron Arad, said to be one of the most influential designers of our time, showcased one of several inspirational design collections. Song Dong created a huge installation piece entitled "Waste Not," essentially a giant room of collected objects that would put your jar of beer caps to shame.

I loved visiting the museums solo and would recommend it to anyone who has the opportunity. If you only have one day, do the Museum of Modern Art. If you're sticking around NYC, do the Met- you can pay what you want and keep going back.

-THE ARTIST formerly known as kdawg

Curlumbia

2009-08-21T19:22:00.006-04:00

Curlumbia: dwelling with Ashley Curl at Columbia University.

I picked up a lot of my street smarts from Harlem that first afternoon. Sitting on Ashley's stoop for a while with my bag, having arrived at a completely different time than I originally intended, I was able to observe New Yorkers as they passed me on the street. I learned a thing or two about carrying myself like a local.

Do:
-Walk incredibly fast. Always faster than the person in front of you! You have to be somewhere five minutes ago- at all times!
-Cross the road when there aren't cars coming. No need to wait for walk signs.
-Read on the subway.
-Listen to your iPod whenever possible.
-Read and listen to your iPod simultaneously if that's what it takes to block out the world!

Don't:
-Make eye contact.
-Take out a map.
-Smile or speak to people on the street.
-Photograph anything. Especially in Times Square- are you kidding? If you can secretly capture something on your iPhone we'll allow it, but otherwise no exceptions.
-Respond to loud noises. Don't flinch. Don't look. Nothing startles New Yorkers.

I think I managed to pull off a local appearance the next day- once I was able to ditch the luggage. The refreshing thing about where Ashley lives is that it's along Riverside Drive, a lush touch of green in a city of grey grime. While she was attending intellectual discussion, I could walk along the water to a market-style grocery store. Surprisingly, produce was the same price as here- never would have guessed. Before heading out on Wednesday, my first real day in the city, I bought two mini poppyseed bagels, tuna salad, a doughnut peach (reccomended), and a water- for like $6. I ate at a bench along the water and looked across at New Jersey, feeling closer to the Housewives than ever.

I made the mistake of being friendly three times that morning. First, I asked the produce man for his opinion about which peach was the best. Then, I waved at a cute little two-year-old boy who was staring at me along the water. He kept trying to run over to me, away from his dad, and I could tell that the father was not enjoying getting up every two seconds. "Sorry! Shouldn't have waved," I apologized. I also talked to a woman about her little white dog, as it panted up a hill. After that I tried to tone down the street-friendliness.

stop the presses

2009-08-20T19:46:00.016-04:00

This morning I got a call at Iwasn'tgoingtobeupforanotherhour o'clock. Obviously, I silenced it. During the snooze time I got another call. Drowsy-peeved, I sit up to check my voicemail.

What is that beautiful sound I hear? Job interviews! Not one, but two. Principals who want to meet me... today. Today? What time is it? What time do I work? Where are these schools? Why don't we have any coffee? Why don't I drink coffee!?

One principal agrees to wait until Monday, since it's such short notice and I have a full afternoon of tutoring lined up already. I'm not entirely qualified for this position, but then again, I just taught K-2nd grade severe and profound kids with almost zero experience. That makes almost anything fair game. I decide that if the principal is willing to give me a shot, I'm confident that I can pull it off.

The second interview is a surprise, not because I didn't know the job existed, but because a certain mother of a certain student who needs an aide told me that the position had already been offered to another candidate. I'd been jumping through hoops for this woman for the last few weeks only to have her tell me she "didn't know if (I) was still interested..." in a text. IN A TEXT! I almost lost my mind, but I decided that with God in control I wouldn't end up on the street. And if God wills that I end up on the street, I'm gonna stand outside my friends' homes with a poorly spelled sign begging for charity. "Help a brotha owt."

Today, for whatever reason, this mom decides that the vice principal would be really interested to meet me, and since today is the last day of interviews I should call her ASAP.

When I walk into the school after tutoring, it looks eerily familiar. The building is the exact same layout as my previous employer's, and yes, I make some nervous comment about this as I walk into the interview. The VP kindly smiles, proceeds to explain the position, ask me about five questions which are a breeze compared to the mother's police questioning in weeks past, and next thing I know: I've been offered the position.

This is a BIG DEAL! I've been praying for this for months, no jobs in sight, bank account depleting, staring angrily at my useless diploma, struggling to be hopeful... and then two weeks before school, I get a job offer! God is good. The best part is, I call my mother to share the good news and she says:
"That's funny."
"Why?"
"Because this morning on the way to work I told God that I was claiming today as the day you would get a job and that I wasn't waiting any longer."

Wanda, my biggest advocate! She must be pretty tight with Jesus. I'll let you know what happens Monday!

The Chinese Bus Fiasco

2009-08-19T18:34:00.011-04:00

“You ready?”
“Yeah, I have to be there 30 minutes early.”

It’s 12:10am. My boarding ticket for 1:00am says I only need to be there 20 minutes early, but I’m taking extra precautions as I was raised to do.

“Is this it?”
“Um… I guess so. That's the address. Great.”

We are in a Family Dollar parking lot at 12:20am. Other cars pull up one by one, asking themselves the same question.

“Y’all waitin for the Chinese Bus?”
“Uh, the China Bus, yeah.”

Five or six cars join, similarly anticipating the bus' arrival. The minutes drag on like slugs on the asphalt. Frequent China Bus riders walk over to our car to discuss possible scenarios.

“Last time it was like an hour late, but it never leaves before 12:30.”
“We’ve been here since 12:20 and haven’t seen anything, so I dunno. I tried to call the information office numbers, but nobody answers.”

An hour later, my gracious roommate and I are sitting on the hood of the car, playing real life Text Twist off the Ruby Tuesday sign.

“Tubes. Sued. Rude. What’s the six letter word though?”
“Brutes. Sorry we’re still here. We can leave if you’re tired.”

After waiting two hours, we easily commit to waiting three. If the bus were to show up two hours and fifteen minutes late, I’d be kicking myself having left after two.

“We'll just wait until 4:00, and if it's not here we'll leave.”
"This sucks. Sorry.”

The only thing I know about these strangers is that they, like me, are desperate to get to NYC. Our hope begins to waver, but our bond over frustration and helplessness grows. We are old friends. We are waiting it out together.

“I’ve got 4 kids here- I can’t believe this. This is ridiculous! They have all our numbers, they could call!”
“That guy over there said there’s another bus leaving at 7:30 from 7-11, so I guess I’m gonna do that. Are y’all gonna go?”

It’s 4am, and I thank my roommate for fighting the good fight with me. When we get home she naps while I write an angry email and look up alternate bus companies. At 6:45am I crack open her bedroom door and poke my troubled face inside.

"ZZzZzzZzzZzzz"
“Hey, would you mind driving me up there? Sorry.”

I board a new bus at 7am for another $35. Two of the people from last night/this morning accompany me, but this time we don’t talk. We sleep. When I open my eyes I'm confused to see the Washington Monument through the opposite window. That was the moment I realized we’d be making stops: DC, MD, DE, then NY.

“I’m eighty-two years old! EIGHTY-TWO! You can’t just drop me off in some random city in Delaware! We had an agreement!”
(silence from the bus driver)
“Don’t pretend you don’t speak English! I’m gonna call the police! You can’t do this to an eighty-two-year-old woman!”

The next thing I know we're dropping her off at a rest stop. Disheartened and jaded, I resolve to sleep more.

Approximately 14 hours after the time I was supposed to leave RVA, I arrive in NYC. I still like Chinese people, but I did not enjoy my experience on their bus system. That’s how my vacation began.

baby got back from vacay

2009-08-18T23:39:00.006-04:00

We've got some catching up to do! I'm back from an eventful vacation, so I plan on recapping my travels before reluctantly returning to the work week.

Chapters:
1 The Chinese Bus Fiasco
2 Curlumbia
3 I Studied You in Art History!
4 Big City, Small World
5 Camp Brooklyn
6 I'm With JWT?
7 The Chinese Bus Strikes Again
8 I'm On A Yacht
9 Roller Coaster of Love

vacay

2009-08-10T22:52:00.002-04:00

Loyal blog followers,

It's my vacation week from work, so I'm going to NYC, VB, and BG (Busch Gardens). I'll be sure to bring some interesting stories back with me.

Have a great week,
Kdawg

|________ here|

2009-08-09T22:27:00.014-04:00

While sailing today I noticed a damaged sign on the dock. I can't be sure of its original function because the front half of it was broken off, but I imagine it used to instruct people to do something at the edge if the dock. The remaining red letters now stated, "here."

Then I thought: that sign is accurate anywhere and everywhere. That's the most appropriate sign I've ever seen.

bad news

2009-08-08T22:51:00.000-04:00

Apparently I sleepwalk.

don't leaf me hangin

2009-08-07T11:32:00.011-04:00

This is a simple painting I did for our old, old apartment- as in lineage, like, "great, great grandpa." This tree first inhabited our foyer on Grove Ave. The poor guy has been uprooted yet again, only to sit in my room for the past week.

He's 50 inches tall, and 43 wide. The leaves are cut from different fabrics and glued. It's meant to be displayed as shown, with a little space between each canvas. Does anyone have a suitable home for him? Best offer. If you'd like to commission me to do a painting that suits your place, I'd be open to that as well.

who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?

2009-08-06T22:39:00.006-04:00

I hadn't babysat in a long time before tonight. I'm constantly around children, but haven't monitored them in a residential setting in a while. It comes back like riding a bike, which, likewise, involves sitting. I suppose most things you can engage in while sitting can't be too terribly demanding. Then again: unicycles.

Watching someone else's kid at someone else's house for a night was enlightening. As a teen I remember one sensational phrase often uttered from mothers eager to leave the premise, "Oh, and feel free to eat whatever you want!" These days I wouldn't dare have three ice cream sandwiches, half a bag of Doritos, and two cans of Coke- but that's first and foremost due to my metabolism shift. The thing I've been overlooking all this time is that Mrs. Smith probably came home and noticed every missing item! "John, come look at this. Three this time. Three ice cream sandwiches! Can you believe this girl? I hope she watches our kids better than what she eats!"

If a roommate moves food around in my cabinet, I usually recognize it right away. "Wait a minute. When I left this morning the honey bear was facing the stove, and now..! Someone's been eating my food."

When I'm a mom I'll do my best not to criticize the babysitter's eating sprees. I just can't believe I was so naive all those years.

open auditions!

2009-08-05T22:09:00.006-04:00

So You Think You Can Dance is going on tour...

We've got box seats!
Yes we do!
We've got extra!
Two for... you?

Auditions to be our dates open 8/6/09.

Important information: The tour comes through Richmond on Oct. 17th. I prefer contemporary choreography for your audition, but we will also accept salsa, hip-hop, ballroom, flattery and/or begging. Free. Box. Seats. Jump on it.

Ab-ulous!

2009-08-04T14:13:00.003-04:00

I got a text at 6:54am today. Well, my phone absorbed a text at that time. I didn't consciously acknowledge it until 7:56am.

6:54 Hey can you take bandit out today?
7:56 Sure. Key?
7:58 In mail box.
9:30 When are you goin
11:06 Now. Just got off work.
11:07 Yay. He will be so happy

He was. I took the dog on a very commonplace walk through the Museum District, to the drug store to buy envelopes, and back. The most notable event, however, occurred before I had the dog on leash.

I have the same address as the Texter, just one street North. To get to Texter's house, I walk across my street, through an alley, and enter Texter's backyard. Today, in this shared backyard there was a shirtless man, who does not live with Texter, but did greet me upon entering the property. He had a "proud of one's own shirtless body" confidence, posture to match, and explained that he was putting together a weightlifting bench. Of course, he was. He had the nicest abs I've ever seen in real life.